It was a dark and stormy night. I was working in my laboratory, trying to solve one of the greatest riddles of our time (no, not the one about how it's possible for Microsoft to make a word processor that can bring any CPU to its knees). For those of you who didn't watch the Super Bowl commercials, allow me to explain the situation. The innocent people of Earth were watching the graceful sport of football when everyone's favorite semiconductor manufacturer, Intel, broadcasted startling news: someone had stolen one of their Pentium II processors. Who would do such a thing and why? Intel had an online poll to determine the thief. This whole thing smells of conspiracy, and I, a faithful viewer of As The Apple Turns at http://www.infoxczar.com/atat/ , am no stranger to conspiracies.
It became apparent to me that Intel was hiding something. My partner, Mulder, kept saying that "The truth is out there" and damnit, he's right! Captain Wiggin sent us out to compile a list of suspects who have the capability and motive to thieve a Pentium II. This list is so complete that not even the Death Star could destroy its tangled web of theories and make sense out of it. Well, here's an abridged version of that list (Reader's Digest bought the rights to the rest):
 
Janet Reno 
Why not? She's made it onto every other conspiracy theory
I've had and she's right up there on my "Evil/Not Evil" list.
One minute she's cluster-bombing cults and then she's in the
ring with Bill Gates. I have the feeling that she knows
everything. Even if she didn't do it, she can tell us who
did. I'm going to send her a box of Chinese finger puzzles
until she talks.
 
The Spice Girls
  And you thought Hanson was desperate. These girls see
that the end is near, and what better way to get attention
than to steal the chip (lovingly referred to as Sluggo by
admirers) and keep it hostage until Intel agrees to dump
the Bunny Suit Guys for Girl Power in the next Pentium
commercial. It would be interesting to see Baby Spice
dance to K.C. and the Sunshine Band while carrying a
minitower. But one has to wonder if the Spice Girls could
have done it. They claim that they were on MTV during
the Super Bowl, but how likely is that? Sure, they could
have said that a few months ago, but who'd believe it
now? Think about that, Koppel.
 
Cancer Man
 
I know what you're thinking... Cancer Man is dead so how
could he steal the chip? Don't fall for that kind of flawed logic.
Those of us who are paranoid enough know that death is
the most common alibi in cases like this. For example:
Napoleon Bonaparte, Howard Stern, and Cochese. In
this case Mulder agrees with me. He always pretends to
die when things get heavy. Here's another thought: Cancer
Man smokes a lot and if you remove the fans from every PII system, they will start to smoke too. Coincidence? You tell me.
 
Those Damn Dirty Apes
  Those apes have been waiting for us to drop the bomb for
thirty years now so that they can take over the planet.
There's a chance that they see the Pentium II as a treasure
chest of secrets. They merely need to steal a few more to get
the poles melting and then they can take over. The only
thing they forgot is that Charlton Heston is now in
charge of the NRA. I get the feeling that he's going to
take care of a few of those damn dirty apes before he has to do another sequel. Damn the Ape!
 
David Hasselhoff
 
To the uneducated observer, David may appear to be just
another innocent famous singer in the former Eastern
Bloc countries. But think about it... those Eastern Europeans
like Death Metal and David Hasselhoff? Something just
doesn't jive here. Rumors are that Hasselhoff plans to use
the PII to warm up his hot tub so he can lure a few
lifeguards over to his place. Then again, maybe he is just
an actor and the most famous pop star in former communist countries... or both?
 
The "Think Different" Snail
  You don't think that Apple would actually pay for a
Pentium II, do you? There are eyewitnesses at Intel
claiming to see a camouflaged snail and a "Richard
Dreyfuss looking character in ninja clothing" sneaking
around one of Intel's semiconductor plants. Apparently, the employees there had just started up a Smokey Robinson record and didn't really notice the two. An Intel security guard stated that "Most of the engineers around here are pretty weird so we weren't surprised by a ninja and his snail walking around. I just thought it was a change of shifts." It's security like that that has Sluggo missing.
 
What Do You Think?
I leave it up to you, the reader. Who (or what) do you think stole Sluggo during the Superbowl? Tell me at macjunkie@applewizards.net who. They can be on the list, or not. I only ask that you leave Peanut, the Woozle off of the list. The entire Woozle clan was watching the game at my place...they like the beer commercials. I'll post the final results in next month's column (and maybe on the web too).
